


The Fascinating Memoirs of Draco Malfoy

by kinky_kneazle



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-30
Updated: 2010-01-30
Packaged: 2017-10-06 20:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinky_kneazle/pseuds/kinky_kneazle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco wants some help writing his memoirs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fascinating Memoirs of Draco Malfoy

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the AWDT. The story has implied unrequited Harry/Draco, but is really just a bit of silliness. Written almost entirely in dialogue.

"Thank you for meeting me, Mr Malfoy."

"Thank you for agreeing to ghost write my memoirs, Ms Skeeter."

"Well, we did work so well together once before. What was it – your third year?"

"Fourth year."

"Of course. Such a long time ago. Shall we get started?"

"Of course. Hey, what's that thing writing? 'With his pale skin and receding hairline, he hasn't aged well.' I've aged beautifully!"

"It's just a Quick Quotes Quill, it helps me with my notes. All of that will be fixed during the edit. First off, why don't you tell me what you want this memoir to be about."

"Well, I think it would be good to talk about what pushes a young man to be a Death Eater. I was from a loving home with good parents and everything money could buy and still I made a choice that is repellent to all in our community. Did that thing just call me a spoiled brat?"

"It will be edited out. What did you want to call your story?"

"I was thinking of 'I was a Teenage Death Eater'."

"Hmmm… yes. Very.... inspirational."

"Well, I think I could be an inspiration to the younger generation. Is that pen calling me delusional?"

"Perhaps we could start with your personal life? I'm sure it would be of interest to the books readers."

"Well, you know my wife and I recently had a little boy."

"No, I mean before your marriage. Did you experiment with sex while at Hogwarts?"

"I think that's kind of personal… Tell that pen of Satan that I am NOT blushing!"

"Mr Malfoy, when you approached me about this ghost writing job, you agreed to be completely honest and forthcoming with any questions I asked. Now, did you experiment while at Hogwarts?"

"Well, I was a good-looking young man, very popular. Of course I experimented. There was Adrian Pucey when I was still young. Of course Crabbe, Goyle and I experimented together, both under the influence of Polyjuice and without the potion. Blaise, Daphne, Pansy… and that's just the Slytherins. In Ravenclaw there was –"

"Mr Malfoy, is there anyone you _haven't_ slept with?"

"Of course. Do you think I'd be attracted to Longbottom? Or Ronald Weasley? Please! 'Malfoy admits to being a bit of a slut.' Wow, the pen got it right for once."

"Let me put the question this way. Is there anyone you wanted to sleep with, that you didn't?"

"Well, there's _Potter_. Which brings me back to my original statement. There has to be a reason why someone as good as me goes bad. And that reason is Potter."

"How did Mr Potter make you a Death Eater?"

"Well, he rejected my friendship, right at the start. He almost killed me, did you know that? Laughed at me when I was turned into a ferret… That sort of bullying can really hurt a child as sensitive as I am."

"Then why did you want to sleep with him?"

"I don't want to sleep with him. Just have sex with him. I mean, he's got a great arse."

"So, you think if Harry hadn't spurned your sexual advances, you wouldn't have taken the Dark Mark?"

"I didn't say that. And tell that pen to stop saying I've changed my story."

"But you did want to have sex with him, and you did blame him for turning you into a Death Eater."

"He was a bully and I wanted to get revenge."

"Did you get revenge?"

"Well, I made sure I had Ginny Weasley before he did."

"And did having Ginny Weasley make you feel closer to Harry? Did you think of him as you entered her?"

"Of course I did. Stop that pen writing! I was thinking of how much he'd hate me fucking his girlfriend. I did NOT need to think about him to get off! Why are we focusing on my sex life? What about my plot to kill Dumbledore?"

"That's old news. Everyone knows that you froze like the little boy you were, and couldn't go through with it. Hardly interesting reading. You're obsession with bedding Harry is very interesting, though."

"I'm not obsessed with bedding Potter. He just has a nice arse. And I do not protest too much!"

"Mr Malfoy that Quick Quotes Quill is an expensive piece of equipment. You can't just snap it!"

"I'm going to find someone else to ghost write my book."

"You understand that everything we've spoken about today is on the record? Mr Malfoy, wait! You understand?"

* * *

 

**The Boy-Who-Lived Drove Me To The Dark Mark**  
_'Sex with hundreds of people never lived up to my fantasies of Harry.'_  
An expose by Rita Skeeter.

The Potter Household  
"Ginny? Why does this article say that you've had, um, 'intimate relations' with Draco Malfoy?"

"Oh, he was harassing me when I was in fourth year. I asked the twins to take care of it. I wonder which one of them polyjuiced into me?"

The Malfoy Household  
"Draco, dear, did you have to tell the whole wizarding world about your silly little crush?"

"I don't care that I'll go to Azkaban, when I next see her Avada Kedavra will be the least of her worries."


End file.
